Today's Funny

[racedoll]

Sorry if this is a re-post. It was too funny not to. I died laughing reading this to hubby.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required..

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

[Particle Man]

:lol: yeah, been posted before but still :lmao:

[marko138]

:lol: yeah, been posted before but still :lmao:
Yes.

[wildchild]

still laugh out loud every time I read it. I think it was written with my two dogs in mind. LOL

[z06boy]

We have a dog and a cat so I'm sending this to my wife and a few other peeps that have pets as well. :lol:

[CasterTroy]

A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blond replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blond. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

[Particle Man]

A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blond replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blond. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
These days that's probably a possibility...

[HurricaneHeather]

Yes.

I believe the appropriate response is: This.

[tommymac]

These days that's probably a possibility...

Esp out where I work :lol:

Tom

[racedoll]

Another funny for today.


A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name..

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears.

[CasterTroy]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month."

[CasterTroy]

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.


This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.


It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."


SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

[Rider]

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.


This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.


It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."


SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

:dvrofl:

[racedoll]

Figured I better have a funny for today now too.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


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Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!


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Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[racedoll]

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

"Well," she proudly replies, "I have a beautiful daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[tached1000rr]

:lol

[CasterTroy]

Three bulls are standing around in the pasture. Word around the farm is that the farmer's just bought another bull.

Senior Bull, none too happy with the news, remarks: "I tell you what, guys...I've been here the longest, I've got my 200 cows, and if this new guy thinks he's getting any of mine, he's got another think coming."

Junior Bull concurs. "I've got my 150 cows, and I'm keeping 'em, you can bet on that."

Youngest Bull opines, "I may be the youngest, but I've got my 50 cows, I've fought hard for 'em, and this new guy's just gonna have to wait his turn."

Just then, the bull rack pulls up in the pasture. The driver drops the ramp and runs full-tilt back to the cab...and the ground begins shaking. Out of the trailer steps the biggest bull anyone's ever seen. He looks both ways, tosses his horns, and snorts with an unquestionable "who wants some" attitude.

Senior Bull says: "Y'know, guys...I'm getting on in years, and I can't really do justice to 200 cows. I think I might just let the new guy have some, as a welcoming gesture, ya know."

"Well, if this guy wants some of my cows, I don't think I'm going to argue," remarks Junior Bull. They both turn to look at Youngest Bull, who's shaking his horns, snorting, and pawing the ground.

"Kid," says Senior Bull, "don't be stupid. If you want to see the sun rise tomorrow, just give up some of your cows!"

"Hell, he can have all the cows!" replies Youngest Bull. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!"

[racedoll]

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[Particle Man]

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

:lmao:

[marko138]

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
Nice.

[CasterTroy]

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

[Particle Man]

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."
:lmao: I'm going to hell for laughing at that

[marko138]

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."
More like "Today's Unfunny"

[racedoll]

One for today....

Best "Out of Office" Automatic Email Replies:

1. "I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."

2. "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all."

3. "Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."

4. "I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received."

5. "Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message."

6. "The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again." (The beauty of this one is that when you return,you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. "Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

8. "Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."

9. "I've run away to join a different circus."

10. "I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Kenny."

[wildchild]

#6 would be fun to try. I bet we have a couple here who would retry a couple times.

[CasterTroy]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court - I pled 'guilty.'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury

[marko138]

:lol: Nice.

[CasterTroy]

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur
fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer
Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they? Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up
with a Barbie. Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn'twork with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
Santa

[Particle Man]

Santa vs. system admins

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence

[Particle Man]

News Years Resolutions over the years

* * 2003: I will get my weight down below 180.
* * 2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
* * 2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
* * 2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
* * 2007: I will work out 5 days a week.
* * 2008: I will work out 3 days a week.
* * 2009: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

[CasterTroy]

Two women met in line to the pearly gates.

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[racedoll]

Two women met in line to the pearly gates.

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

:lol:

[CasterTroy]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Particle Man]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

:lmao:

[marko138]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."
:lol

[CasterTroy]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men
who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who
were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St.. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been
disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one
obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man,

"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[CasterTroy]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation---no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'

[racedoll]

Good one! Both of them.

[marko138]

Good one! Both of them.
Concur.

[psychochild28]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

:lol

My family got a kick out of this one also.

[CasterTroy]

Jerry is traveling in Japan on business and heads to the hotel bar. While sitting and drinking, he catches the eye of a pretty young Japanese girl. He speaks little Japanese and she speaks no English, but they manage to make their intentions known and before they know it, they're both upstairs in his room.

While between the sheets, she's an animal. She's writhing around and yelling at the top of her lungs "Wazai, Wazai!" Jerry doesn't understand the word, but he's feeling pretty studly that he can make her scream "Wazai"; whatever that means, it must be good.

The next morning, Jerry takes his business clients out golfing. After the fourth hole, the CEO hits a beautiful shot that lands ten feet from the flag. Wanting to impress his clients with his knowledge of their culture, Jerry claps him on the back and proclaims, "Wazai!"

Conversation stops. "Whaddya mean, wrong hole?"

[marko138]

:lol: Good one.

[racedoll]

:lol:

[CasterTroy]

http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/8/collegehumor.5c6f74831e1613aaf095ac6850866019.jpg


see also:


http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/6/collegehumor.db8674dc7044e75a95d26476250fa279.jpg

[marko138]

:lol

[karl_1052]

How Rednecks handle bad news.

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, ROTU and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, ROTU says,'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife. Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

ROTU says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' ROTU replies 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[marko138]

:lol:

[z06boy]

:rofl: Some good ones here. I didn't realize this had turned into a post a joke thread and haven't been clicking on this thread since my initial time. Glad I did...funny stuff !!

I spent a year in Japan and the one with the Japanese girl hit close to home with me. :rofl:

[wildchild]

I spent a year in Japan and the one with the Japanese girl hit close to home with me. :rofl:


so you've heard that word before? ...........:lol

I'm outta here lol

[Particle Man]

Coming soon from a drug company near you: Tiagra. Good for 18 holes...

[Rider]

Coming soon from a drug company near you: Tiagra. Good for 18 holes...

Yeah but it cost's $55 million.:lol

[karl_1052]

The Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane s ** with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[psychochild28]

:lol:

[racedoll]

Dear Diary: Ohio Winters:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ohio . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is Truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ohio is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ohio . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Ass !!!!

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the S O B who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddarn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that darn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Ohio.

[psychochild28]

:lol

so very true.

[CasterTroy]

Dear Diary: Ohio Winters:
.

So THATS why all those bastards tear up our roads all year getting to Myrtle Beach :lol

[racedoll]

WHY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well.....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.

[derf]

Just talked to a friend of mine.

He was a groomsman in a wedding over the weekend, the bride, who is apparently a real bitch (like world class bitch from hell). 3 hours before the wedding was at the catering hall dropping off some last minute stuff because she wanted everything to be perfect. Got into a fight with the florist because the shade of the flowers didnt match her eyes, she spit at the florist while he was talking to her and she told him to fix it. So the florist packed up and started to take his shit back and screw the wedding job, she started to chase him out of the hall (running) while wearing high heels, tripped and broke both her ankles (like very broken). She refused to miss the ceremony so instead of going to a hospital had her mother carry her around got in her dress, and went to the church. While she was walking down the aisle a bone broke the skin putting her on the floor in the middle of the church. She tried to walk 2 more times yelling and cursing that everybody ruined her wedding day and started to spit at people when everybody started to tell her that the wedding needed to be postponed until she went to the hospital. Her husband was trying to convince her to accept medical attention and she spit in his face.

Apparently while they were loading her in the ambulance he took his ring off tossed it at her and said that he was gonna have fun at the break up party (reception) and she could keep the ring. (DAMN!!!)

I hate to say it but the girl was a complete bitch and deserved what she got

[HurricaneHeather]

:eek: Is that a true story?

Were these people on that show Jersey Shore? :lol:

[Rider]

Just another fine example of a trailer trash wedding. She probably broke her ankles because she weighed 400lbs and was pregnant twins.

[karl_1052]

Just talked to a friend of mine.

He was a groomsman in a wedding over the weekend, the bride, who is apparently a real bitch (like world class bitch from hell). 3 hours before the wedding was at the catering hall dropping off some last minute stuff because she wanted everything to be perfect. Got into a fight with the florist because the shade of the flowers didnt match her eyes, she spit at the florist while he was talking to her and she told him to fix it. So the florist packed up and started to take his shit back and screw the wedding job, she started to chase him out of the hall (running) while wearing high heels, tripped and broke both her ankles (like very broken). She refused to miss the ceremony so instead of going to a hospital had her mother carry her around got in her dress, and went to the church. While she was walking down the aisle a bone broke the skin putting her on the floor in the middle of the church. She tried to walk 2 more times yelling and cursing that everybody ruined her wedding day and started to spit at people when everybody started to tell her that the wedding needed to be postponed until she went to the hospital. Her husband was trying to convince her to accept medical attention and she spit in his face.

Apparently while they were loading her in the ambulance he took his ring off tossed it at her and said that he was gonna have fun at the break up party (reception) and she could keep the ring. (DAMN!!!)

I hate to say it but the girl was a complete bitch and deserved what she got

WTF that can't be real? You saw it on MTV, or sumthin.

[marko138]

That can't be true. C'mon Fred, for real?

[CasterTroy]

WTF did he marry? an alpaca?

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/06/22/arts/22evan600.1.jpg

[defector]

Just talked to a friend of mine.

He was a groomsman in a wedding over the weekend, the bride, who is apparently a real bitch (like world class bitch from hell). 3 hours before the wedding was at the catering hall dropping off some last minute stuff because she wanted everything to be perfect. Got into a fight with the florist because the shade of the flowers didnt match her eyes, she spit at the florist while he was talking to her and she told him to fix it. So the florist packed up and started to take his shit back and screw the wedding job, she started to chase him out of the hall (running) while wearing high heels, tripped and broke both her ankles (like very broken). She refused to miss the ceremony so instead of going to a hospital had her mother carry her around got in her dress, and went to the church. While she was walking down the aisle a bone broke the skin putting her on the floor in the middle of the church. She tried to walk 2 more times yelling and cursing that everybody ruined her wedding day and started to spit at people when everybody started to tell her that the wedding needed to be postponed until she went to the hospital. Her husband was trying to convince her to accept medical attention and she spit in his face.

Apparently while they were loading her in the ambulance he took his ring off tossed it at her and said that he was gonna have fun at the break up party (reception) and she could keep the ring. (DAMN!!!)

I hate to say it but the girl was a complete bitch and deserved what she got

Sounds like she has a black belt in white trash.

[racedoll]

This one is courtesy of Tached1000RR - thank you for making my Friday!!!

A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope..

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOK E OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[wildchild]

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

perfect way to end a Fri. LMAO

[CasterTroy]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[marko138]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
Zoinks. :lol:

[Particle Man]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Ouch :lol:

[Amber Lamps]

Ouch :lol:

Wow! Sounds like my ex!!!:lol:

[racedoll]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up....so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Rider]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....
I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[racedoll]

How the fights start

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting
about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started ...
******************************************
When I got home last night,
my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a Gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[racedoll]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE


Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you
go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN :D

[Gas Man]

Sorry... its almost fitting to Dolls post (not directed at her)

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/pic_02240.jpg
http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l311/cjclark69/Posting/cookingsucks.jpg

[racedoll]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[Particle Man]

:lol

[ericr]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.



:lol: