WTF---Never again...

[Cruzergirl]

...will I loan out my stuff...ever.

So, a good friend of mine (or so I thought) wanted to try her hand at road biking. I loaned her my Felt (~$1600), a pair of shoes, shorts, helmet, gloves, etc. You get the idea.

When I gave it to her there was one rub on the beautiful orange paint. I asked her to be careful with it and treat it as her own (my mistake).

I got it back today (Oh, did I mention that I delivered it AND picked it up AND loaned her the bike rack which somehow managed to fall off her car into the middle of the street...geesh). There are two gouges in the frame that go down to the metal (when she mentioned that she "threw it into the back of a friend's truck" I thought she was exaggerating. The bike is also quite filthy.

Now, I really want to just yell and scream at her for being such a careless twit! But, I would like to keep a friend (my SO is best friends with her SO) and keep some peace.

Any thoughts on how to get the point across that I am hurt and angry while being tactful?

Thanks and... rant off.

[marko138]

SHoulda lit her up when you first saw it. You lost the opportunity. Chalk it up as a loss at this point and move on.

[Cruzergirl]

She had the maintenance guy let me in her condo. She's not even in the state. I haven't seen or spoken to her about it yet.

[marko138]

She had the maintenance guy let me in her condo. She's not even in the state. I haven't seen or spoken to her about it yet.
Well, call her ass up and light the fire.

[Cruzergirl]

Well, call her ass up and light the fire.

:lol: But... how do I do so tactfully...?

[neebelung]

Well since she's outta town, it gives you a chance to calm down about it (cus if I were you, I'd be LIVID right about now). I'd quite frankly sit her down and tell her very honestly (and calmly), "Hey, I acted in good faith by loaning you something that is not only very valuable, but important to me, and I have to admit, I was rather disappointed when I didn't get it back in the same condition that I loaned it to you in...." Give her a chance to speak at this point... then go on and describe specifically what's wrong... give her another chance to speak at this point (the apologies should be pouring out at this point, and hopefully some offers to rectify the problem)....you can determine your response based on what she says....

Just be honest, and calm.

[shmike]

I'd leave her a nice yet stern note to read upon arrival home.

Sometimes verbal confrontation can lead to emotion ruling the discussion.

I'll never understand people that mistreat other's stuff.

If I ever borrow something you can be assured it will be returned in the same (usually better) condition than when I borrowed it. If that isn't possible the owner will be made whole.

[Cruzergirl]

Well since she's outta town, it gives you a chance to calm down about it (cus if I were you, I'd be LIVID right about now). I'd quite frankly sit her down and tell her very honestly (and calmly), "Hey, I acted in good faith by loaning you something that is not only very valuable, but important to me, and I have to admit, I was rather disappointed when I didn't get it back in the same condition that I loaned it to you in...." Give her a chance to speak at this point... then go on and describe specifically what's wrong... give her another chance to speak at this point (the apologies should be pouring out at this point, and hopefully some offers to rectify the problem)....you can determine your response based on what she says....

Just be honest, and calm.

Thank you. These words have not even been in my head as I have been so beside myself with anger that I can't concentrate.

Thanks for the quote! I just might use exactly that.

[wildchild]

Well since she's outta town, it gives you a chance to calm down about it (cus if I were you, I'd be LIVID right about now). I'd quite frankly sit her down and tell her very honestly (and calmly), "Hey, I acted in good faith by loaning you something that is not only very valuable, but important to me, and I have to admit, I was rather disappointed when I didn't get it back in the same condition that I loaned it to you in...." Give her a chance to speak at this point... then go on and describe specifically what's wrong... give her another chance to speak at this point (the apologies should be pouring out at this point, and hopefully some offers to rectify the problem)....you can determine your response based on what she says....

Just be honest, and calm.

this sounds like a very responsible and good tactic.

I would definitely not just let it go. It will eat you up inside. If the damage is enough you could ask her to repair it.

I would not let anyone use my roadbike. I've had one person ask and I offered them my cheap trail bike. They declined that saying they were hoping to ride the roadie. yeah no.

[marko138]

These guys are giving you bad advice. Call this person now and tear her shit up! Turn your shit up to 11.

[Particle Man]

Well since she's outta town, it gives you a chance to calm down about it (cus if I were you, I'd be LIVID right about now). I'd quite frankly sit her down and tell her very honestly (and calmly), "Hey, I acted in good faith by loaning you something that is not only very valuable, but important to me, and I have to admit, I was rather disappointed when I didn't get it back in the same condition that I loaned it to you in...." Give her a chance to speak at this point... then go on and describe specifically what's wrong... give her another chance to speak at this point (the apologies should be pouring out at this point, and hopefully some offers to rectify the problem)....you can determine your response based on what she says....

Just be honest, and calm.
you've taken classes in conflict resolution, haven't you?

[Cruzergirl]

These guys are giving you bad advice. Call this person now and tear her shit up! Turn your shit up to 11.

This is what I would LIKE to do. But won't.

[OTB]

A good friend of mine told me once after I got all PO'd about some money I loaned another friend and never did get back...I was getting more and more pissed off; especially because I was "in the right".

He told me that if I wanted to keep my friends, never loan them something I couldn't afford to get back; and if I didn't get cash back, or that something I loaned came back damaged, to decide; what was more important; a thing or friendship?

Decide. If friendship is more important, then be silent, forgive her silently for having human faults, keep her as a dear friend and just never loan her anything AGAIN.

If things are more important, then just keep the resentment ball a'rollin'......

My gift to you,
Merry Christmas

[Cruzergirl]

A good friend of mine told me once after I got all PO'd about some money I loaned another friend and never did get back...I was getting more and more pissed off; especially because I was "in the right".

He told me that if I wanted to keep my friends, never loan them something I couldn't afford to get back; and if I didn't get cash back, or that something I loaned came back damaged, to decide; what was more important; a thing or friendship?

Decide. If friendship is more important, then be silent, forgive her silently for having human faults, keep her as a dear friend and just never loan her anything AGAIN.

If things are more important, then just keep the resentment ball a'rollin'......

My gift to you,
Merry Christmas

I hate you.



:lol:

[Speedracer42]

I think Neebs summed it up nicely. But I will add my $.02 about the situation as a whole. First its just a bike. And in the grand scheme not super expensive (though 1600 is alot to me personally) I have friends with $8k road bikes. Even my F150 Lariat is just a truck. I would never loan anything out without realizing it might be a total loss. And while I take VERY good care of my own stuff and other people if borrowed. I would never borrow something from someone if I thought for a second they might freak over a scratch. Because lets face it, sometimes shit happens. And in the end its easier to replace stuff than anything else.

[HurricaneHeather]

These guys are giving you bad advice. Call this person now and tear her shit up! Turn your shit up to 11.

What is the purpose of that? I am not challenging you, I just want to know what makes you think this is the best solution.

[OTB]

I hate you.



:lol:


I don't know about you, but I LOVE a good resentment...especially when I'm in the right.

A good resentment is like a loose tooth,; you can worry it and wiggle it around; it hurts but it feels so GOOD, too!






Both leave you with an empty hole, though........

[karl_1052]

:lol: But... how do I do so tactfully...?

With a shovel to the face.

[pauldun170]

Just put this on her bathroom mirror

[neebelung]

you've taken classes in conflict resolution, haven't you?

:lol: That obvious?

Actually just one... I think it was "Communicating with Diplomacy & Professionalism." *barf*

Seriously though, it's served me well in dealing with pissy people at work.

[neebelung]

What is the purpose of that? I am not challenging you, I just want to know what makes you think this is the best solution.

I think he was just bein' a smartass. :lol:

[HurricaneHeather]

I think he was just bein' a smartass. :lol:

Oh okay. :lol:

(there is a strong need for a sarcasm font) :lol:

[the chi]

I'd take Nee's route as well. Just let her know how disappointed you are, if she doesnt respond with apologies or ask to make it good, I dont know that I'd keep her on as a "friend", perhaps as merely an acquaintance and never loan her anything ever again.

[Ineffable]

I'm with Marko on this one. I get the whole 'friends are more important than things' fairy tale world that people live. However, by letting it go you are going to be in a more awkward situation later when she asks to borrow something and THEN you have to explain why you won't let her and she is going to look at it as you holding this grudge the entire time over something she deemed not a big deal because you never said anything.

P.S. IMO it is common courtesy to at least make sure something that you borrow is cleaned up before you give it back to someone.

[Particle Man]

:lol: That obvious?


Yep. I've been through several different classes over the years and even taught a few :lol:

[Cruzergirl]

Just put this on her bathroom mirror

Love it! :lol: Thanks!


I appreciate all the input. It is a process, you know? anger, hurt feelings, blame, resentment, then finally, forgiveness after finding out a person you trusted has obviously not cared (NOT accidentally scratched something and apologized for it but mistreated) about something that is not theirs.

I wouldn't care if she told me ahead of time "Look, I accidentally scratched your bike. I know this bike is important to you so is there anything I can do to fix it?" If anything like that had been said, I would be perfectly fine right now but it wasn't, and I'm not.

[Particle Man]

nobody has said it yet and I'm surprised: f**k her sister.

[Cruzergirl]

P.S. IMO it is common courtesy to at least make sure something that you borrow is cleaned up before you give it back to someone.

Something I ALWAYS do is give something back in the same condition, if not better, than the condition it was in when I borrowed it. Common courtesy.

To not do so is a sign of disrespect for both the person and the kind act of a friend.

[Particle Man]

She didn't leave skid marks in the shorts, did she?

That would be a reason to tune her up :lol:

[Cruzergirl]

She didn't leave skid marks in the shorts, did she?

That would be a reason to tune her up :lol:

I doubt she used them and thanks a bunch for the image. :gary:

nobody has said it yet and I'm surprised: f**k her sister.


No sister. I've seen her brother and that would be a BIG no thanks!

[Amber Lamps]

I would repair it and not mention it. It's not worth it. If she had any common courtesy to begin with it would never have happened. You're not going to "teach" her manners whether you discuss the situation with her calmly or if you blow her head off in a verbal tirade. Why waste your time? Lesson learned.

"Never a lender nor a borrower be" Words of wisdom imho.

[Ineffable]

No sister. I've seen her brother and that would be a BIG no thanks!

Everyone has a mom...

[Kaneman]

-Write her a really nice, polite note letting her know you were disappointed by the damage she caused to your bike, etc, etc.

-Affix said note to hefty brick with piece of string or a nice bow.

-Throw said brick through largest window in house/car.

- Fuck her sister.

- Post video.

[Particle Man]

Everyone has a mom...

:lmao:

['73 H1 Triple]

:lol: But... how do I do so tactfully...?

Take a look at your avatar for an idea on how to express yourself.

But, I am known to be blunt at times.

Jeff

[Cruzergirl]

Take a look at your avatar for an idea on how to express yourself.

But, I am known to be blunt at times.

Jeff

Point taken. :lol:

We are going up to visit them at the new lodge over New Years so there will be plenty of time for me to be all of the above. Hopefully with a slight edge of Patron on... then I can do this.. :gary: and laugh about it later...:lol:

[Captain Morgan]

A good friend of mine told me once after I got all PO'd about some money I loaned another friend and never did get back...I was getting more and more pissed off; especially because I was "in the right".

He told me that if I wanted to keep my friends, never loan them something I couldn't afford to get back; and if I didn't get cash back, or that something I loaned came back damaged, to decide; what was more important; a thing or friendship?

Decide. If friendship is more important, then be silent, forgive her silently for having human faults, keep her as a dear friend and just never loan her anything AGAIN.

If things are more important, then just keep the resentment ball a'rollin'......

My gift to you,
Merry Christmas

I'm with Marko on this one. I get the whole 'friends are more important than things' fairy tale world that people live. However, by letting it go you are going to be in a more awkward situation later when she asks to borrow something and THEN you have to explain why you won't let her and she is going to look at it as you holding this grudge the entire time over something she deemed not a big deal because you never said anything.

P.S. IMO it is common courtesy to at least make sure something that you borrow is cleaned up before you give it back to someone.

While OTB's advice is a nice thought, I have to agree with ineffable, to an extent. I can speak from experience here. If you say nothing and let it go, something else will happen. You'll let that go, too, because friends are more important. Then something else will happen and you'll let that go. This cycle will continue until you get fed up with the pile of shit you've let build up and then you will blow up.

I think you need to speak your mind, but in a calm manner. If she blows it off and doesn't give a rat's ass, then you have two choices. 1. Be civil for hubby's sake and his friendship, but never let her borrow another thing. 2. Tell her to fuck off and live an uncomfortable life whenever around her since you'll probably see her often. Hopefully she apologizes and you can get on with friendship.

[RedRider2k2]

Let her know you're serious, Jack Handy style...Light a stick of dynamite. Then call her up and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

[OTB]

While OTB's advice is a nice thought, I have to agree with ineffable, to an extent. I can speak from experience here. If you say nothing and let it go, something else will happen. You'll let that go, too, because friends are more important. Then something else will happen and you'll let that go. This cycle will continue until you get fed up with the pile of shit you've let build up and then you will blow up.

I think you need to speak your mind, but in a calm manner. If she blows it off and doesn't give a rat's ass, then you have two choices. 1. Be civil for hubby's sake and his friendship, but never let her borrow another thing. 2. Tell her to fuck off and live an uncomfortable life whenever around her since you'll probably see her often. Hopefully she apologizes and you can get on with friendship.


I never said "Do nothing". Forgiveness is an action. It requires thought, and depending on your proclivities, maybe some prayer, too.

Doing nothing, saying nothing while still harboring ill feelings is as toxic as you say, just putting off the inevitable blow up.

Forgiveness is for MY benefit...not the person I've believed has done me wrong......

By the same token, if I have a friend who constantly does things that injure me in some manner, or who is consistently thoughtless, perhaps I need to examine why I'm friends with that person....I am not a saint, and there are toxic people that I don't need to be around.......

[racedoll]

I wouldn't care if she told me ahead of time "Look, I accidentally scratched your bike. I know this bike is important to you so is there anything I can do to fix it?" If anything like that had been said, I would be perfectly fine right now but it wasn't, and I'm not.

I agree, but she didn't so... I'd go with Neebs suggestion to calmly question her about it and hope for an apology.

This is why I never loan anything to anyone. I'm too anal about them doing something to it. I know it is just a thing but I worked damn hard for that thing to have it screwed up by someone else. I'll keep my friendships by not loaning anything. I can protect my friends that way.

[Amber Lamps]

I never said "Do nothing". Forgiveness is an action. It requires thought, and depending on your proclivities, maybe some prayer, too.

Doing nothing, saying nothing while still harboring ill feelings is as toxic as you say, just putting off the inevitable blow up.

Forgiveness is for MY benefit...not the person I've believed has done me wrong......

By the same token, if I have a friend who constantly does things that injure me in some manner, or who is consistently thoughtless, perhaps I need to examine why I'm friends with that person....I am not a saint, and there are toxic people that I don't need to be around.......

Yep, I said "do nothing" other than repair your bike. I don't want you to "harbor ill feelings" nor do I want you to "forgive her"... I want you to cut your losses, learn a lesson and move on. No matter how you handle this situation, this girl is going to think you're a bitch, trust me. She may apologize to your face but she will bad mouth you to your back. She obviously doesn't care about you or your stuff and she's NOT going to have some kind of epiphany because you talked to her.

I doubt that this is the first time she's done something like this to someone. My God, she so much as told you that she abused your property, "I threw it in the back of a truck" and she brought it back filthy when it left clean. She already knows the bike's condition and didn't care enough to rectify it or apologize up front.

I doubt this friendship is going anywhere, anyway... let it go. IMHO the only way that I would "forgive" her is if she came to me, unprovoked, and apologized and offered to pay for repairs. If you have to coerce her, forget it. She's your SO's friend's girlfriend, be polite but keep your distance. Who needs friends like this?

[karl_1052]

Yep, I said "do nothing" other than repair your bike. I don't want you to "harbor ill feelings" nor do I want you to "forgive her"... I want you to cut your losses, learn a lesson and move on. No matter how you handle this situation, this girl is going to think you're a bitch, trust me. She may apologize to your face but she will bad mouth you to your back. She obviously doesn't care about you or your stuff and she's NOT going to have some kind of epiphany because you talked to her.

I doubt that this is the first time she's done something like this to someone. My God, she so much as told you that she abused your property, "I threw it in the back of a truck" and she brought it back filthy when it left clean. She already knows the bike's condition and didn't care enough to rectify it or apologize up front.

I doubt this friendship is going anywhere, anyway... let it go. IMHO the only way that I would "forgive" her is if she came to me, unprovoked, and apologized and offered to pay for repairs. If you have to coerce her, forget it. She's your SO's friend's girlfriend, be polite but keep your distance. Who needs friends like this?

This is the most truth I have seen Tigger write in a long time.
Either she doesn't care about you or what you think, or she just treats everything in her life like crap. Either way, it will be a bad situation.

I still say Shovel to the face.:D

[OTB]

Tigger and I are pretty much on the same page, believe it or not. I've never been able to change anybody in my life....except for me. That's where the forgiveness part comes in...it's for MY benefit, so I don't need to keep reliving the slights over and over.....it's not like I walk up to them and say "I forgive your sorry ass". Nope. It's a deal between me and me to let the whole thing go.

But that doesn't mean I go back for seconds.

Having a resentment is letting somebody live rent-free in your head and turning them loose with a sledgehammer.

But ya still gotta pick yer friends wisely.

Thanks, Tigger and have a Merry Christmas.

[Papa_Complex]

:lol: That obvious?

Actually just one... I think it was "Communicating with Diplomacy & Professionalism." *barf*

Seriously though, it's served me well in dealing with pissy people at work.

I find business communications courses are more useful. They help you to get digs in on multiple levels, while giving the recipient nothing concrete to come back on you with. Passive-aggressiveness for the win.

[askmrjesus]

Poke her eyes out with a stick.

You'll feel better, and she'll never borrow anybody's bike again.

You owe it to humanity.

Get video, so we can all ridicule the blind ass bike denting whore.

JC

[Cruzergirl]

Poke her eyes out with a stick.

You'll feel better, and she'll never borrow anybody's bike again.

You owe it to humanity.

Get video, so we can all ridicule the blind ass bike denting whore.

JC

This is why you are who you are. Always putting things in perspective. This is the kind of simple, concise answer I needed.

Now where's my sharp stick.....

:lol

[Cruzergirl]

I've decided I can't "do nothing". I can't just forgive her and move on. The issue will just fester in my head until it explodes some ten years down the line when I rip off her wedding dress, stuff her face in the cake and scream at her that she doesn't deserve to be happy!
So, doing nothing is out of the question, I haven't evolved to that point yet. :lol:

I will talk to her when I go up there next week. Only problem is I tend to be ruled by my emotions so no matter how much I try to be rational and calm I'm afraid I'll, instead, look like a banshee...:kidseye:

So, :lol:, I'll have to work on the approach.

It will also be important for me to keep in mind that as much as I care about/for my stuff (I know its just stuff but its MY stuff) that is how much she doesn't care about it. She takes for granted, because she can, how hard people work for what they have. I'll keep that in mind next time I even think about offering something I care about (that's right, she didn't ask... I offered).

[Particle Man]

Poke her eyes out with a stick.

You'll feel better, and she'll never borrow anybody's bike again.

You owe it to humanity.

Get video, so we can all ridicule the blind ass bike denting whore.

JC
winning answer :lol:

[marko138]

My shit is stuff and your stuff is shit.

[Particle Man]

My shit is stuff and your stuff is shit.

Thank you George Carlin

[marko138]

Thank you George Carlin
Legend.

[RACER X]

i'm w/ tigger


and EWWWWW you loaned your shorts out..........

[papapoi]

Just goes to show ya can't trust the pensacola folks lol.

[Cruzergirl]

Just goes to show ya can't trust the pensacola folks lol.

Ha ha...she's Pensacola Beach. Pensacola folks are just fine. :):whistle:

[Cruzergirl]

and EWWWWW you loaned your shorts out..........

I know! WTF was I thinking! Fortunately she never wore them. It sort of explains why she threw the bike in the back of the truck after the ride... I imagine her back side was just a bit sore (think orangutan butt :lol )

[papapoi]

ah i see. i rarely go over to that area.

[Sean]

I would just note the scratches and never loan anything to that person again.

[Amber Lamps]

Tigger and I are pretty much on the same page, believe it or not. I've never been able to change anybody in my life....except for me. That's where the forgiveness part comes in...it's for MY benefit, so I don't need to keep reliving the slights over and over.....it's not like I walk up to them and say "I forgive your sorry ass". Nope. It's a deal between me and me to let the whole thing go.

But that doesn't mean I go back for seconds.

Having a resentment is letting somebody live rent-free in your head and turning them loose with a sledgehammer.

But ya still gotta pick yer friends wisely.

Thanks, Tigger and have a Merry Christmas.

You too, "POPS" hahahaha!

[Smittie61984]

Have lunch with her next to a bike shop, stop in and point to the new CF frame you want.

Now if you want to see a road bike treated greatly. My buddy does triathlons with me but he only has a mountain bike and no road bike. The VP of his company loans him his old triathlon (road convert) bike since he got a new TT bike. He babies that bad boy for some odd reason.

[Kaneman]

I've got a '91 Bridgestone RB1....I would FLIP out if someone scratched it. Grrrr...

[RACER X]

I've got a '91 Bridgestone RB1....I would FLIP out if someone scratched it. Grrrr...

great bike, i broke 1 back in tha day. :(