askmrjesus
12-29-2009, 11:08 PM
Since this year is almost over, I've decided that now is a good time to reveal some things I've leaned over the last few centuries.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Why didn't you tell me this shit ten years ago?" Three reasons: I was on a bender, I was, well Ok, technically it's just one reason, but anyway, fuck you.
1. Women don't really think vibrators can replace men.
This is a total myth. Vibrators can't cuddle after sex, or bring you a Rum and Coke, or kill spiders. Plus, if a vibrator is turned on accidentally in the middle of the night, it could cause your cat to put your eyes out, while trying to escape the whirring noise coming from beneath the blankets. Helen Keller had a cat and a vibrator, and look how she turned out.
2. Tofu.
It's not really all that good for you. Sure, it's got all that happy shit about free roaming curds and whey going for it, but what they don't tell you, is that Tofu can make your tongue fall out. So why have you not heard about this before? Simple. People with no tongues don't talk much. Now you know.
3. Paris Hilton is a whore.
Don't look at me, Mr. Drippy Dick, I tried to warn you last year, and you blew me off.
4. If you put three cats in a Hefty bag, only two will come back out.
I have no explanation for this, it's just the way it works.
5. Every time I open a Hefty Bag, it has a dead cat inside it.
Crap. Sorry about that last one, she was faking it.
6. Cats are lying bastards.
They may look like they're dead, but they're not. They're just furry zombies with pointy teeth and sharp claws. So...
7. Do not feed zombie cats.
The purr is a lie.
8. Run!
Trust me, you should run. NOW!
9. You're still here.
Nice going dipshit. Jesus came all the way down from heaven to warn you about the zombie cat invasion, and you just sat there waiting for your porn download to finish.
10. There is no ten. Nine is as good as it gets. Don't be so fucking greedy.
JC
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Why didn't you tell me this shit ten years ago?" Three reasons: I was on a bender, I was, well Ok, technically it's just one reason, but anyway, fuck you.
1. Women don't really think vibrators can replace men.
This is a total myth. Vibrators can't cuddle after sex, or bring you a Rum and Coke, or kill spiders. Plus, if a vibrator is turned on accidentally in the middle of the night, it could cause your cat to put your eyes out, while trying to escape the whirring noise coming from beneath the blankets. Helen Keller had a cat and a vibrator, and look how she turned out.
2. Tofu.
It's not really all that good for you. Sure, it's got all that happy shit about free roaming curds and whey going for it, but what they don't tell you, is that Tofu can make your tongue fall out. So why have you not heard about this before? Simple. People with no tongues don't talk much. Now you know.
3. Paris Hilton is a whore.
Don't look at me, Mr. Drippy Dick, I tried to warn you last year, and you blew me off.
4. If you put three cats in a Hefty bag, only two will come back out.
I have no explanation for this, it's just the way it works.
5. Every time I open a Hefty Bag, it has a dead cat inside it.
Crap. Sorry about that last one, she was faking it.
6. Cats are lying bastards.
They may look like they're dead, but they're not. They're just furry zombies with pointy teeth and sharp claws. So...
7. Do not feed zombie cats.
The purr is a lie.
8. Run!
Trust me, you should run. NOW!
9. You're still here.
Nice going dipshit. Jesus came all the way down from heaven to warn you about the zombie cat invasion, and you just sat there waiting for your porn download to finish.
10. There is no ten. Nine is as good as it gets. Don't be so fucking greedy.
JC