Rangerscott
12-18-2011, 05:47 PM
Today I went to the mall. It was a cloudy, semi-cool day. I honestly didn't think I would go to The Mall, but I still needed to get something for my sister-in-laws. So as I enter the Gates of Hell, I say to myself, "As I walk through these corridors, I shall fear no evil."
The first stop was Barnes & Nobles, fuck it's like a queer starbucks. I wanted to see how much money I saved ordering a book from Amazon and laugh. Finally found the damn book and saw that I saved $10. That's right. Go fuck yourself B&N. Then I Leo Strutted my ass out of there.
As I walk through the corridors surrounded by ghouls and demon spawns (aka cattle), I start to think of what it would be like to be a mass murderer. Walking past store after store I think of what I'm not going to by my sister-in-laws. No clothes, no jewelry, no over priced artsy shit, and definitely nothing from VS. Yea, my mother said, "How about something from Victoria Secret?" My response was, "Da Fuck! I'm not their husband." :wtfru:
So we finally settle on going into the GAP/GAP Kids. I did not really no this because I've only go to The Mall when all hope is lost, but I believe if you're male and want to work at the GAP, you must be gay. I shook my head in disbelief. I asked for a job application fillout and sure enough at the very top it read, "If male and filling this form out, applicant must be gay." I sat the form down and looked around to see if I could figure out why they would require this. It did take a few minutes but a bulb lit and finally was able to see with open eyes. THE CLOTHES! I never face palmed myself so hard before. That's why, it's because of the male clothes they sell. I was able to get my nephew and niece some clothes for them. Hopefully neither of them will want to work at the GAP later in life.
Next stop was at a STUPIDLY over price joint called CRAZY 8. Why do people fucking support such overpriced kids wear? $30 for a polyester jacket that's the size of a toboggan. $50 for a pair of pants for a 3yr old! So why does the economy suck ass and people are running out of cash? O yea, that's right. Because people are retarded. So yea, I bought some clothes for my nephew/niece from the left over rack. Their parents already spoil them, they can learn about overpriced shit through me.
After leaving that shit hole and wondering around The Mall like a lost deer in a snowy forest, I see a mother bending over her childs stroller while walking and see her nice round boobs and I think to myself, "Those are some nice boobs." Ah, to be jealous of a child. Wish she'd hold me against those bad boys. :boobs:
Finally to the last stop in America's bunghole (The Mall) is JcPennys women. After telling my mother over and over that I'm not buying my sis-in-laws jewerly, clothes, and fucking panties, you guessed it we looked at all of those. Excluding the panties. As I felt my brain go numb, I spotted the sunglasses. Could it be, the item that could save the day? Fuck yea it was cause I sure as hell wasn't going anywhere else or buying those stupid as RUBBER BOOTS (They're fucking rubber boots, I dont care how decorative they look) my mother was holding. I picked two pairs of the same for both sis-in-laws. Honestly there was really only two types to choose from. 1960's big ass style or 1980's retro style. You know people dis on the 80's all the time, but at least there was it's own style then. Now days it's just all recycled styles.
WE DID IT! The horror of shopping is now over and you actually read all of this, I feel sorry for you because I sure as hell don't read anyone else's long ass threads.
So things I've learned about The Mall.
1. It sucks.
2. Everything is "at least" 70% or more mark up
3. If male, gotta be gay to work in The Mall
4. No I dont want your shitty rewards card
*edit*
You know Trip, I took the time to type this in a nice form but of course it looks like dick when you post it. No spaces, no tabs, no proper form.
The first stop was Barnes & Nobles, fuck it's like a queer starbucks. I wanted to see how much money I saved ordering a book from Amazon and laugh. Finally found the damn book and saw that I saved $10. That's right. Go fuck yourself B&N. Then I Leo Strutted my ass out of there.
As I walk through the corridors surrounded by ghouls and demon spawns (aka cattle), I start to think of what it would be like to be a mass murderer. Walking past store after store I think of what I'm not going to by my sister-in-laws. No clothes, no jewelry, no over priced artsy shit, and definitely nothing from VS. Yea, my mother said, "How about something from Victoria Secret?" My response was, "Da Fuck! I'm not their husband." :wtfru:
So we finally settle on going into the GAP/GAP Kids. I did not really no this because I've only go to The Mall when all hope is lost, but I believe if you're male and want to work at the GAP, you must be gay. I shook my head in disbelief. I asked for a job application fillout and sure enough at the very top it read, "If male and filling this form out, applicant must be gay." I sat the form down and looked around to see if I could figure out why they would require this. It did take a few minutes but a bulb lit and finally was able to see with open eyes. THE CLOTHES! I never face palmed myself so hard before. That's why, it's because of the male clothes they sell. I was able to get my nephew and niece some clothes for them. Hopefully neither of them will want to work at the GAP later in life.
Next stop was at a STUPIDLY over price joint called CRAZY 8. Why do people fucking support such overpriced kids wear? $30 for a polyester jacket that's the size of a toboggan. $50 for a pair of pants for a 3yr old! So why does the economy suck ass and people are running out of cash? O yea, that's right. Because people are retarded. So yea, I bought some clothes for my nephew/niece from the left over rack. Their parents already spoil them, they can learn about overpriced shit through me.
After leaving that shit hole and wondering around The Mall like a lost deer in a snowy forest, I see a mother bending over her childs stroller while walking and see her nice round boobs and I think to myself, "Those are some nice boobs." Ah, to be jealous of a child. Wish she'd hold me against those bad boys. :boobs:
Finally to the last stop in America's bunghole (The Mall) is JcPennys women. After telling my mother over and over that I'm not buying my sis-in-laws jewerly, clothes, and fucking panties, you guessed it we looked at all of those. Excluding the panties. As I felt my brain go numb, I spotted the sunglasses. Could it be, the item that could save the day? Fuck yea it was cause I sure as hell wasn't going anywhere else or buying those stupid as RUBBER BOOTS (They're fucking rubber boots, I dont care how decorative they look) my mother was holding. I picked two pairs of the same for both sis-in-laws. Honestly there was really only two types to choose from. 1960's big ass style or 1980's retro style. You know people dis on the 80's all the time, but at least there was it's own style then. Now days it's just all recycled styles.
WE DID IT! The horror of shopping is now over and you actually read all of this, I feel sorry for you because I sure as hell don't read anyone else's long ass threads.
So things I've learned about The Mall.
1. It sucks.
2. Everything is "at least" 70% or more mark up
3. If male, gotta be gay to work in The Mall
4. No I dont want your shitty rewards card
*edit*
You know Trip, I took the time to type this in a nice form but of course it looks like dick when you post it. No spaces, no tabs, no proper form.