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Hondahugger
12-26-2008, 04:16 PM
http://i318.photobucket.com/albums/mm414/hondahugger/Image-1.jpg

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make a move. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close.”

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought about that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little.

Later, after I’d tossed her about a half pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re hanging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight, her career or whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts in on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too because I can’t help thinking “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki’s just a kid and all but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can think of is how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It’s true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same, please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love,
Dan.

Nails
12-27-2008, 01:15 PM
wow

t-homo
12-27-2008, 02:27 PM
Fucking hilarious.

Porkchop
12-27-2008, 04:39 PM
Lucky man.... :rockwoot:

VatorMan
12-27-2008, 05:29 PM
Makes me wanna divorce.

Dnyce
12-27-2008, 05:52 PM
hilarious

njchopper87
12-27-2008, 06:19 PM
It's a masterpiece. That's like the perfect closer too even though it's cliche.

Sixxxxer
12-27-2008, 09:24 PM
Even if its not real....that was kickass.

marko138
12-27-2008, 09:27 PM
I swear I've read this before.

spierce
12-27-2008, 11:06 PM
I agree with marko i think i read it before 2 and there is another part to it tho. were the wife connie writes back

101lifts2
12-28-2008, 01:46 AM
lol read it a few times before but cracks me up everytime.

Hondahugger
12-28-2008, 12:43 PM
I will have to look around on line and see if I can find Connie'a reply. Now I'm curious!

My absolute favorite is the groom who taped pictures of the bride screwing the best man under all the chairs at the reception. THAT one is classic, and I believe true.

Porkchop
12-28-2008, 01:45 PM
My absolute favorite is the groom who taped pictures of the bride screwing the best man under all the chairs at the reception. THAT one is classic, and I believe true.

Read that story before... great stuff!

BobTheBiker
12-28-2008, 02:10 PM
hey, where IS the remote. I wanna watch the nudie channels.

Particle Man
12-28-2008, 03:45 PM
There is indeed a reply out there. I can't seem to find it either.

Mr Lefty
12-28-2008, 03:53 PM
This one is pretty good too

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.

You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl.He had a sex change. I hope that's not a problem for you.

marko138
12-28-2008, 04:02 PM
I will have to look around on line and see if I can find Connie'a reply. Now I'm curious!

My absolute favorite is the groom who taped pictures of the bride screwing the best man under all the chairs at the reception. THAT one is classic, and I believe true.


Never heard that one.



This one is pretty good too

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.

You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl.He had a sex change. I hope that's not a problem for you.

Another classic. :lol:

Mr Lefty
12-28-2008, 04:05 PM
Never heard that one.

here ya go

A Master Card Moment

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception..

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge -- making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy ha s balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.......................................$32, 000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion.......................................$3, 000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui...........................................$8, 500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the
8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man
..........................................Priceles s.

There are some things money can't buy, f or everything
else there's...

MASTERCARD

marko138
12-28-2008, 04:10 PM
here ya go
Hilarious.

Particle Man
12-29-2008, 12:06 PM
love it :lol:

AquaPython
12-29-2008, 12:26 PM
ROFL at "cinnamon ring"

Hondahugger
12-29-2008, 12:46 PM
ROFL at "cinnamon ring"that and Throat Yogurt were the ones that got me ROFL!

Archren
12-29-2008, 12:49 PM
that and Throat Yogurt were the ones that got me ROFL!

:lmao:

AquaPython
12-29-2008, 12:54 PM
but isn't all yogurt, throat yogurt?

Hondahugger
12-29-2008, 12:58 PM
but isn't all yogurt, throat yogurt?is that why you don't have a soar throat anymore???????? :whistle:

xx CURVE xx
12-29-2008, 12:59 PM
is that why you don't have a soar throat anymore???????? :whistle:

ass to mouth yogurt lol

AquaPython
12-29-2008, 01:15 PM
is that why you don't have a soar throat anymore???????? :whistle:

no, but it is why you have http://www.travelweekly.co.uk/blogs/080417-baggage.jpg :whistle::whistle::whistle::whistle::whistle:

Hondahugger
12-29-2008, 01:31 PM
no, but it is why you have http://www.travelweekly.co.uk/blogs/080417-baggage.jpg :whistle::whistle::whistle::whistle::whistle:



I love my baggage,,,,, all of them.

Particle Man
12-29-2008, 03:10 PM
is that why you don't have a soar throat anymore???????? :whistle:

a flying throat :scratch:

Now "sore" I could understand:lol:

Hondahugger
12-29-2008, 03:14 PM
a flying throat :scratch:

Now "sore" I could understand:lol:I know, I know, typo! Grammer Nazi!

Particle Man
12-29-2008, 03:19 PM
I know, I know, typo! Grammer Nazi!

:D


:sorry:

:lol:

fasternyou929
12-29-2008, 03:33 PM
Grammer Nazi!
:lol:

DIMford
12-29-2008, 07:26 PM
All good ones.