The Joke Thread

[OTB]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[vabarber2]

:lol: Good One!

[Audiomechanic]

:lmao: Nice!

Here's one:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ......... You got nice house.'

[Dave]

twf!

oh you meant actual jokes lol

[fpzx10]

:dvrofl:

Larry was on his deathbed. His wife asked if he had any last wishes.
He said, "After I pass on, I want you to marry Jack."
His wife then replied, "But honey, I thought you hated Jack."
Larry said, "I do."

[OTB]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH



Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[marko138]

:rofl: Nice work guys.

[fpzx10]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals.

King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.


Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds


Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.



























If your answer is:


Orangutan = you're dull & normal



Ape = you're a moron



Monkey = worse, you're an idiot


King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid





Why?????









A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!


Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax !

[marko138]

:lol:

[DLIT]

You sneaky bastard.

[vabarber2]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH



Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
:lol:

Wait a minute! Im from VA!!! We make the same joke, but say WEST Virginia!!!!

[Mr Lefty]

We were dressed and ready to go out to a party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the
night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.




Another



Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again repli ed, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair..'

[Mr Lefty]

David the hen


David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies David.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[azoomm]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"Fag! Queer!"

[marko138]

:rofl:

[Carolina]

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this, the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled. "I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars."



:zowned:

[Mr Lefty]

:lol:

[Gunther1000]

Military Sensitivity Training








Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy Seals Rules:
1. Kill every living thing within view.



US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75-pound napsack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75-pound napsack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lts; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & Dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but, close enough to have tax exemption.



US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)


U.S.Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East .
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :

1. 'Eat Pork or Die'
[both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters'
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy'
[Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.'
[Both English and Arabic versions]

5.'The road to Paradise begins with me.'
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross hairs.]

6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.'
[Both Arabic and English versions]

7. 'Pork. The other white meat.'
[Arabic version]

8. 'Infidel'
[English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement "Sensitivity Training" upon receipt.

[Gunther1000]

LIE DETECTOR!



John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,

Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.



'Where have you been?

Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.



'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.



The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,

Knocking him completely out of his chair.



'Son,' said John,

'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'



'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.



'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.



'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.



The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,

Knocking him off his chair once more.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,

Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'



'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.

'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'



The robot then walked around to John

And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.



Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,

'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy.

After all, he is your son!'



With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha

And knocked her out of her chair.

[marko138]

:lol:

[6doublefive321]

Oldie but a goodie....

A guy walked into a bar carrying a small alligator. Naturally, the bartender said "you can't bring that damn thing in here". The guy asked "why not?". The bartender proceeded to tell him it was unsanitary, and most of all, unsafe. Well, our guy proceeded to tell the bartender how tame the alligator was. He said, "As a matter of fact, I'll show you how tame he is". The guy pulled out his pecker, opened the alligators mouth, carefully closed the mouth, then commenced to hitting the alligator on the head with a pool cue. Amazingly enough, the guy opened the alligator's mouth, and there was his pecker without a scratch on it. The bartender conceded defeat, and told the guy he could leave the alligator in the bar. Feeling cocky, the guy spoke up and said "anyone else wanna try that?". Shortly, a withered up old lady pushed her way through the crowd and said "Sure. Just don't hit me on the head with that pool cue".

[Gunther1000]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?







2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.







3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?







4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!







5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.







6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.







8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?







9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[smileyman]

A man takes his daughter with him to the barber shop. Seeing her fidgeting and bored he gets her a Little Debbie snack to occupy her time while he is in the chair.

As the barber begins his haircut the little girl unwraps the snack and moves in closer to watch. This makes the barber uncomfortable and distracted, so he tries to get her to back away by telling her "Scoot back sweetheart, your going to get hair on your twinkie!" To which the little girl replies...

"Mom says someday I am going to get boobs too!":whistle:

[zerioustt]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?







2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.







3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?







4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!







5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.







6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.







8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?







9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


george carlin ftw!

[Mr Lefty]

8. 'Infidel'
[English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

I had My baggage tags made with Infidel on them. The Iraqi guy was like..:panic: no sir... infidel not a good word... I was like... i know... :wink:

[Gunther1000]

I had My baggage tags made with Infidel on them. The Iraqi guy was like..:panic: no sir... infidel not a good word... I was like... i know... :wink:

Lol, Thats great. I'm surprized the Military lets you guys get away (for the most part) doing stuff like that. I know I would get into plenty of shit if I were you. Nothing like making light of a shitty situation. Take it easy man!

[Mr Lefty]

Lol, Thats great. I'm surprized the Military lets you guys get away (for the most part) doing stuff like that. I know I would get into plenty of shit if I were you. Nothing like making light of a shitty situation. Take it easy man!

ehh... the bags don't really go through any 3rd world air ports... we fly our own planes in... so it's not like any iraqi's other than the guy that made them is gonna see them...


but the shitty part? when I went home on leave after my deployment... someone stole them... :lol: fuck'n infidels

[Rider]

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him
said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"



LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"



LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-ter-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a
mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."



LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she
reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

[Mr Lefty]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.



Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[PiZdETS]

two men walk into a bar

one man makes a joke

the other man laughs because it is so funny

[Mikey]

two men walk into a bar

one man makes a joke

the other man laughs because it is so funny

http://thecraptastics.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/fail.jpg

[Ducati Diva]

what do you call a prostate with a runny nose?????
Scrole down


















FULL:panic::whistle::lol:

[OTB]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

[OTB]

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom and catches his parent's fc*king. His father looks over his shoulder, winks at the boy, and keeps banging away.

The next day the father comes home and the little boy is fc*king the grandmother. The little boy looks over his shoulder at the Dad and says "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?".

[OTB]

We've got a couple of people that work for us and the labor board sent an agent over, saying that they'd heard I wasn't treating our help fairly.

The agent asked who I had working for me and what their wages were.

I told him I had a field hand, he'd worked for us for 3 years, we paid him $300 a week, and he got room and board.

We also have a cook, she's been with us for a year, she gets $225 a week, and she also gets room and board.

And we have a half-wit. We work him 18 hours a day, he does 90% of the work on the place. We pay him $20 a week, and we charge him for his room and board. But I do buy him all the beer he wants and sometimes he gets to sleep with my wife.

"I need to talk with the half-wit" demanded the agent.

"That would be me" I responded