texts from last night

[lauralynne]

(hopefully not a repeat)
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

[rogue]

Ack! Another blog for me to read! :lol:

Good stuff! :dthumb:

[lauralynne]

I can't breathe....

"Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?"

[rogue]

The very first one had me literally laughing out loud. :lol:

i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.


:lmao: :lmao:

[MILK]

Speaking of texts. Brad sent me one yesterday. He meant to send it to my cell but sent it to my office number instead. I get a message with a mechanical female voice translating text to voice! :lol: It was so funny listening to her saying all his abbreviations! :lmao:

[Particle Man]

(918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott. :lmao:


(480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is. :lol:

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
holy crap, they're getting funnier and funnier

(859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever :lmao:

(214): Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on :lol

(206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

:lol:

(617): I'm half single.
(773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. hahahahaha

(323): just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo holy crap, I'm laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes :lmao:

(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon:zowned:

(505): so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?:lmao: :lmao:

(845): I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway. That's cuz he accidentally the whole thing...

[ontwo]

"I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl"

:lol:

[ontwo]

I'm sitting in my office laughing so hard I can't breathe

[the chi]

:rofl:

(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend

[Amorok]

My favorite one
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

[Archren]

(602): well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized

:rofl:

[rogue]

:rofl:

Hahahahahaaaaa!!!!!! :lmao: :lmao:

If that's true, I kind of feel sorry for her. :lol:

[Archren]

snort

(704): I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.

That's always a bad day right there. :lol:

[lauralynne]

I had to stop reading them last night, I was crying and couldn't sit up straight - my ribs hurt today I laughed so hard. going back in a little while to read more!

[rogue]

It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[Particle Man]

(440): tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors. hahahahaha

[rogue]

(860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
(860): fuckk wrong person
(1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout?


:lol: :lol: :lol:

[askmrjesus]

(405): I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.

:lol:

Great find LL.

JC

[Archren]

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...


:rofl: :rofl:

[pauldun170]

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

Labels: (775)
bubble Replies (35)


(410): You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.

(714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

(650): sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
(415): we had.
(650): well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.

(202): Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.





This is the stupidist BS I've ever wasted time reading....
but I can't stop.
:lol:

[HurricaneHeather]

Oh man am I gonna get in trouble when my boss sees me on this every day for the rest of my career. :rofl:

[Smittie61984]

My girlfriend almost texted her dad... "Also, do we have any condoms for tonight" when she was trying to text me. I'm glad she didn't because I really didn't feel like having some fucker fly down from Chicago to beat my ass.

[HurricaneHeather]

My girlfriend almost texted her dad... "Also, do we have any condoms for tonight" when she was trying to text me. I'm glad she didn't because I really didn't feel like having some fucker fly down from Chicago to beat my ass.

Dude this is why a triple check the name before I press send when texting my husband :lol:

[Smittie61984]

Dude this is why a triple check the name before I press send when texting my husband :lol:

She just sent me a text saying "Make sure you have some condoms. If not I can stop at the store and get some". I sent one back "This is your dad". It'll probably take her a second to get it.

[HurricaneHeather]

She just sent me a text saying "Make sure you have some condoms. If not I can stop at the store and get some". I sent one back "This is your dad". It'll probably take her a second to get it.

In my address book list it goes:

Dad
Dan(father in law)
Daniel(husband)

Dangerous-o when sending inappropriate things..... :lol:

[Particle Man]

In my address book list it goes:

Dad
Dan(father in law)
Daniel(husband)

Dangerous-o when sending inappropriate things..... :lol:

haha - that must lead to moments of drunken hilarity

[Smittie61984]

In my address book list it goes:

Dad
Dan(father in law)
Daniel(husband)

Dangerous-o when sending inappropriate things..... :lol:

She said she freaked out when she got that message and thought she was busted.

I called my boss drunk one night at 3am because he was next to a girls name that I knew.

[Particle Man]

(513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Holy shit :lmao:

[KSGregman]

This douche stopped by our work area last week to rip on one of my co-workers...I INTENDED to send an I/M to that co-worker saying "Jesus, that guy is a fucking prick....."

Instead, I sent it to my boss.... He replied "What?! I wasn't even OUT there!!" :lmao:

Not one of my more shining moments... :lol:

[HurricaneHeather]

This douche stopped by our work area last week to rip on one of my co-workers...I INTENDED to send an I/M to that co-worker saying "Jesus, that guy is a fucking prick....."

Instead, I sent it to my boss.... He replied "What?! I wasn't even OUT there!!" :lmao:

Not one of my more shining moments... :lol:

I did that once, but instead of to my boss, I sent it to the person I was talking about :panic:

That was an intersting day at work, since the one I was complaining about, sits right next to me. :lol:

[Cory]

(845): i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low

:lol:


(513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

:lmao:


(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.



hilarious :rofl:

[NONE_too_SOFT]

lols mine made it up there.

[Particle Man]

(312): You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?:zowned:

(202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

:lol:

(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle :lmao:

(810): When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
(1-810): that probably didn't help your case.hahahahahahahahaha :lol

(917): If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?:lmao:

(678): Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.:diitb:

[fasternyou929]

I did that once, but instead of to my boss, I sent it to the person I was talking about :panic:

That was an intersting day at work, since the one I was complaining about, sits right next to me. :lol:

I did something kinda similar. A co-worker and I had plans to go to lunch last Tuesday. That morning we were both sent a meeting invite from 11:30 to 1:30. She forwarded me the invite and asked if I wanted to reschedule lunch and I replied "are you crazy? I'm not going to any more of those stupid meetings, they're a complete waste of time." Send.

A few seconds later I get a less than friendly IM from the meeting organizer. Apparently replies to forwarded meeting invitations go to the organizer, not the person that sent them. :lol:

Fucking Outlook.

[Particle Man]

I did something kinda similar. A co-worker and I had plans to go to lunch last Tuesday. That morning we were both sent a meeting invite from 11:30 to 1:30. She forwarded me the invite and asked if I wanted to reschedule lunch and I replied "are you crazy? I'm not going to any more of those stupid meetings, they're a complete waste of time." Send.

A few seconds later I get a less than friendly IM from the meeting organizer. Apparently replies to forwarded meeting invitations go to the organizer, not the person that sent them. :lol:

Fucking Outlook.

Lotus works very similar depending on how the invite was forwarded

Not that I'd know... :whistle:

[HurricaneHeather]

Lotus works very similar depending on how the invite was forwarded

Not that I'd know... :whistle:

I'll have to remember that. :wink:

[KSGregman]

I did something kinda similar. A co-worker and I had plans to go to lunch last Tuesday. That morning we were both sent a meeting invite from 11:30 to 1:30. She forwarded me the invite and asked if I wanted to reschedule lunch and I replied "are you crazy? I'm not going to any more of those stupid meetings, they're a complete waste of time." Send.

A few seconds later I get a less than friendly IM from the meeting organizer. Apparently replies to forwarded meeting invitations go to the organizer, not the person that sent them. :lol:

Fucking Outlook.

OUTSTANDING!!

Less than friendly IM from the meeting organizer....too funny. :lmao:

[Particle Man]

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

:zowned:

610): I thought she had blonde hair
(302): No, Gonorrhea actually:panic:

(803): I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
(419): mustard is like jesus in yellow tights:lmao:

[Particle Man]

phew - they finally added page numbers and links.

[asdgirl]

734): But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame<div>(734): Superlame</div>

[asdgirl]

(404): I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today

[Cruzergirl]

(404): I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today


:lol

[wildchild]

(202): did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

this of course means she smelled it. :lol

[Flexin]

Yummie!!!!

(905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

James

[Flexin]

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

James

[Jet]

(314): I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

(281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

(404): Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

(706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

(201): "women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
(1-201): damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy

(403): let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.

HAHAHA, i might have to retire failblog

[CrazyKell]

(317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

BOO YA!

[KSGregman]

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

James


Hahahahaha....holy shit, I laughed out loud at this one. :lmao:

[Flexin]

(703): fucking a dude
(703): i mean: fucking a, dude
(703): wow, that comma made all the difference there

James

[Mr Lefty]

:lol:

[Sixxxxer]

(425): You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

LMFAO!!!

(301): I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
(443): How'd that go?
(301): Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

I had an experience like that once...Dude found out I was Banging his Girl...I may or may not have said How's my Dick taste?...He was outside my apartment shortly thereafter

[Amorok]

I have an app for this on my iPhone. It kicks ass.

[Hydrant]

(819): its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger

(780): Did we use protection last night?
(1-780): Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

(937): i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot

[Particle Man]

I have an app for this on my iPhone. It kicks ass.

Me too :lol: it's probably the best app I have when I need to laugh

[Flexin]

(347): Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
(650): So your saying just a blow job?

James

[Particle Man]

(661): Duck you bitch
(661): Damn you autocorrect!
(1-661): Wtf...

:lmao:

[Flexin]

(204): Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

James

[Flexin]

(503): I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

James

[pauldun170]

Yummie!!!!

(905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

James

:lol

[Flexin]

(802): My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
(516): is she hot?
(802): She is now

(970): I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off

James

[Leon]

(812): How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt? :lol:

[Archren]

(812): How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt? :lol:

:rofl:

[Bluestreak]

(270): I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her

AND

(225): I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
(1-225): haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

:lmao:

[Flexin]

(270): I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her

AND

(225): I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
(1-225): haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

:lmao:

LOL

James

[Flexin]

(902): How did people poop without Blackberrys?
(416): Motorola Razers?
(902): Stone age, man.

James

[Flexin]

(407): I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

James

[Flexin]

(214): I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
(1-214): I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

James

[marko138]

Great website...passes my time at work.

[Flexin]

(915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
(1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

(931): so today I found out that she used to be a he....
(1-931): are you gonna get a divorce?

James

[ontwo]

I check that site everyday at work

[pauldun170]

(262): So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.

[Flexin]

(812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

James

[Flexin]

(407): So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!

(412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

(530): It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan

(919): his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.

James

[Flexin]

(419): She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
(319): Wasn't she moving abroad?
(419): Are you really going to debate this?

James

[Cass]

(262): So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.

:lmao: